Survival situations are no laughing matter. When it comes to protecting ourselves from danger, we often rely on traditional weapons like guns or knives. However, sometimes we need to get a little creative when we’re faced with a challenging situation. That’s where humor comes in.
Believe it or not, humor can be a helpful coping mechanism during times of stress or danger. It allows us to see the lighter side of a serious situation, and can even help us think more clearly and react more quickly. Plus, let’s be honest, laughter is just plain good for the soul.
That’s why we’ve put together a list of 20 funny things to use as weapons in survival situations (they’re divided into five distinct categories.) We’re not suggesting you should use these items as your primary means of defense, but they can certainly come in handy in a pinch.
And who knows, a well-timed joke or unexpected weapon could be just the thing to throw off an attacker or save your life.
So without further ado, let’s dive into the world of humorous survival tactics and discover some unexpected weapons that might just make you laugh out loud.
A. Everyday Items as Weapons
When it comes to finding weapons in a survival situation, sometimes the best options are right in front of us. Everyday items like spatulas, hairbrushes, and rolled-up magazines can actually be effective tools for self-defense.
Take the humble spatula, for example. It’s perfect for flipping pancakes and hitting assailants. With its flat surface and sturdy handle, it can be used as a makeshift shield or club in a pinch. And if your attacker happens to be hungry, you can always offer them some pancakes to diffuse the situation.
Another surprising weapon is the hairbrush. Not only can it be used as a grooming tool, but it can also be wielded as a makeshift club. The bristles provide an extra layer of protection and can even be used to scratch an attacker if necessary. Plus, if you survive the ordeal, you’ll have fabulous hair to show for it.
For those rainy survival situations, an umbrella can be a lifesaver. But did you know it can also be used as a weapon? The pointed end can be used to poke an attacker, while the canopy can be used to shield yourself from blows. Just make sure to close the umbrella before swinging it, or you might end up injuring yourself instead.
And finally, the rolled-up magazine might be the most unexpected weapon of them all. While you’re catching up on your reading, you can also use it to defend yourself against an attacker. Roll it up tightly and use it as a baton to strike your opponent, or even use the magazine to block incoming attacks.
So next time you’re in a survival situation, don’t overlook the everyday items around you. With a little creativity, even the most mundane objects can become powerful weapons in the fight for survival.
Related: 11 Must-Try Wilderness Survival Activities for All Ages
B. Food as Weapons
Food is a basic necessity for survival, but did you know it can also be used as a weapon? Here are some unexpected ways to use food in a survival situation:
First up, the classic pie in the face. While it may seem like a silly prank, throwing a pie at an attacker can actually be an effective distraction technique. Not only will it temporarily blind your opponent, but it’ll also make them look ridiculous, giving you a chance to escape.
Another food weapon is the hot sauce packet. If you find yourself in a pinch, grab a few packets of hot sauce from your favorite fast food joint. Squeeze them into your attacker’s eyes for an instant stinging sensation, giving you time to make your getaway.
If you’re feeling particularly daring, try using a chili pepper as a weapon. Rub it in your attacker’s eyes for an intense burning sensation, or even put it in their mouth to make them regret their life choices. Just be careful not to get any on your own hands or face.
And finally, if you have access to a frying pan and some eggs, you’ve got a recipe for self-defense. Crack an egg over your attacker’s head, then use the frying pan to knock them out cold. It may sound ridiculous, but it’s actually a technique used by self-defense experts.
C. Nature as Weapons
When it comes to survival situations, nature can provide some unexpected weapons. Here are some natural objects you can use to defend yourself:
First up, pinecones. While they may seem harmless, pinecones can actually be used as makeshift grenades. Grab a few pinecones and throw them at your attacker for a painful and surprising impact.
Another natural weapon is the humble rock. Rocks can be used as both a projectile and a blunt object. Just be sure to choose one that fits comfortably in your hand and has some weight to it. Aim for your attacker’s head or use the rock to hit them in the knees to slow them down.
For those in wooded areas, a sturdy branch can be a lifesaver. Find a branch that’s thick and sturdy enough to use as a club, then swing away at your attacker. You can also sharpen the end of the branch to make a spear-like weapon.
And finally, don’t overlook the power of nature itself. If you’re near a body of water, use the current to your advantage. Throw your attacker off balance by pushing them into the water, then use the opportunity to escape. Or if you’re near a steep hill or incline, use gravity to your advantage by pushing your attacker down the slope.
D. Clothing and Accessories as Weapons
In a survival situation, even your clothing and accessories can become weapons. Here are some unexpected ways to use them:
First up, the humble belt. Not just for keeping your pants up, a belt can be used as a whip-like weapon. Simply take off your belt, then snap it at your attacker. The buckle can also be used as a blunt object to strike your opponent.
Next, let’s talk about your shoes. While they may not be the most glamorous accessory, they can pack a punch in a survival situation. Take off your shoes and use them to strike your attacker. You can also use them as a distraction by throwing them at your opponent.
If you’re wearing a scarf or long piece of fabric, you’ve got a potential weapon in your hands. Twist it up tightly, then use it to whip your attacker. Or if you’re feeling particularly creative, tie it into a makeshift rope and use it to climb to safety.
And finally, let’s not forget about your jewelry. Rings can be used as brass knuckles, while necklaces can be used to choke your attacker. Just be sure to choose your jewelry wisely – you don’t want to lose your most valuable pieces in a fight.
E. Technology as Weapons
When it comes to survival situations, technology can be both a blessing and a curse. On one hand, it can provide helpful tools and resources. On the other hand, it can also be used as a weapon. Here are some examples:
First up, your smartphone. While it may seem fragile, it can actually be quite useful in a fight. Use it as a blunt object to strike your attacker, or if you have a sturdy case, use it as a makeshift knuckle duster. You can also use your phone’s flashlight function to disorient your attacker and create an opportunity to escape.
Next, let’s talk about drones. If you have a drone with a camera, you can use it to survey your surroundings and spot potential threats. You can also use the drone itself as a weapon by flying it at your attacker and using the propellers to inflict damage.
If you have a laser pointer, you can use it to distract and disorient your attacker. Shine the laser in their eyes to temporarily blind them, then use the opportunity to strike or run away.
And finally, let’s not forget about your car keys. They may not seem like a high-tech weapon, but they can still pack a punch. Use your keys to scratch and stab your attacker, or if you have a keychain with a heavy object on it, use it as a blunt object to strike your opponent.
While we certainly don’t encourage violence, sometimes using technology as a weapon can be necessary for survival. Just remember to use your devices responsibly and only as a last resort.
F. Animals as Weapons
Animals are a valuable resource in survival situations. They can provide food, shelter, and even act as weapons in self-defense. But be warned, using animals as weapons requires a certain level of bravery and creativity. Let’s take a look at some of the creatures you can use to your advantage:
First up, insects. While they may seem small and insignificant, they can pack a punch if you know how to use them. Bees and wasps are great for distraction and disorientation. Release a swarm of angry bees on your attacker, and while they’re busy trying to fend them off, make your escape.
Ants can also be useful, especially fire ants. Sprinkle a handful of these fiery little insects on your opponent, and they’ll be too busy itching and scratching to chase after you.
If insects aren’t your thing, perhaps reptiles are more up your alley. Snakes can be used to strike fear into your opponent. Simply throw a snake at them, and watch as they run away screaming. Lizards can also be used as a weapon. Toss a few angry geckos at your attacker, and they’ll be too busy trying to catch them to worry about you.
Moving on to small mammals. Rabbits and rodents can be surprisingly effective weapons. Throw a rabbit at your attacker, and they’ll be too confused to react. Launch a rat at them, and they’ll be too busy squealing in terror to come after you.
And last but not least, the big guns. When it comes to using larger animals as weapons, there are a few things to keep in mind. For example, you’ll want to choose an animal that is both intimidating and powerful.
Bears are an obvious choice, but keep in mind that they can be unpredictable. Moose are also a good option, as they are known for their strength and aggression. Just be careful not to get trampled in the process.